The End is the Beginning is The End
by clockwork-sakura
Summary: Stoopid. so very stoopid. hurt me XDD
1. Chapter 1

**The End is the Beginning is The End**

* * *

Okay! Thanks . . . (I'm just paranoid about my fics -;;) 

Anyways, here it is in all it's glory . . .

Title is "The End is the Beginning is The End."

It's a bizarre story, but I don't know what rating it would be.

Probably PG-13 or something . . .

Author is: Me! Donna ... something! yay!

Thanks again! I hope there aren't any problems. (I am not very

computer-oriented.)

Bye

* * *

(cue scary intro music.) 

NEON GENESIS EVANGELION

Imagine that . . .

. . . Kaworu kept up his masquerade as a human somehow to

stay near the one he loves . . .

. . . the dummy plug decided that it really likes Tohji,

and so pulled him out of Eva 03 unscathed, before killing

the angel . . .

. . . Asuka didn't go nuts . . .

. . . The angels keep attacking in larger numbers . . .

. . . Nerv needs more pilots . . .

The End is the Beginning is the End

(not the Smashing Pumpkins song)

**Chapter One: Angels Attack (well, that's original)**

Rei Ayanami, the second incarnation, walked quietly down a

corridor in NERV. She was dressed in her school uniform and

had her plug suit draped over one arm. She ran her card

through a small computer and the door slid open.

"Hi Rei." said Hikari.

Ayanami nodded and proceeded to change her clothes.

Asuka bounded into the girls changing room. "What do you

think you're doing?" cried Asuka.

"Umm . . . we're changing our clothes . . ." said

Hikari, pulling on a leg of her green evangelion pilot

uniform.

"Don't do it there, Hikari! The boys can see right

through this screen . . . " she raised her voice as she

pointed at the partition. "I bet THAT PERVERT IKARI IS

CHECKING US OUT RIGHT NOW!"

"I AM NOT!" came a protest from the other side of the

screen.

"Oh as if, you pervert! I bet you and Suzuhara are . . ."

"As if I'd want to check out someone like YOU!" cried

Tohji.

"Don't make me come over there!" screamed Asuka.

"Oh, we know you want to, and you're calling US,

perverts?" came Tohji's reply.

"Please stop shouting." came a soft voice.

"OH GREAT, Nagisa is over there too? What is this, the

PERVERT convention?"

"Soryuu-san, I can assure you that I and Shinji have no

interest in looking at any of you. He's too busy checking

me out."

"Ohhh GROSS!" cried Asuka dramatically.

"Kaworu-kun!" hissed Shinji, a brilliant shade of red.

"And as for Suzuhara-san, he's too focussed on Horaki-

san's silhouette to be bothered with you."

"I am not." muttered Tohji, turning away from the partition

and wiping some blood from his nose.

"Thanks a lot you jerk! Now Hikari's all embarrassed!"

"I am not." muttered Hikari.

Hikari and Asuka both turned as the door closed. Rei had

come and gone without a word.

* * *

"Swear to Lilith, Rei will get a character arc of some kind 

sometime!" cried the author, determined.

* * *

"We need more pilots." said Gendo Ikari. 

"Well duh." said Kozo Fuyutsuki.

Gendo glared at him and turned to Ritsuko. "Are there any

more suitable pilots?"

"I don't know" hissed Ritsuko "Are there?"

Gendo shook his head. "I am very displeased with both of

you."

"Oooh, My heart's breaking." said Kozo.

"I will just have to find another suitable pilot WITHOUT

YOU!" Gendo cried, turning around and stomping out of the

large room.

Kozo and Ritsuko high fived each other.

Gendo watched as the compatibility tests were conducted. He

yawned and rubbed his eyes. Suddenly, the "Angel Alarm"

sounded, like the buzzer on a microwave oven.

Misato ran up to Commander Ikari. "Sir!" she cried "Hyenas!

In the Pride Lands!"

He nodded slowly, and then glared at her "What did you say?"

She regarded him strangely "Angels . . . above the city."

"Launch unit one."

"Sir, there are THREE angels."

"Oh . . . I suppose we'd better launch more units then." he

mumbled.

"Gee, now wonder you're in charge." Misato smirked.

"Launch units 02 and 03 as well."

"Sir, did I mention there ARE THREE ANGELS!" screamed

Misato at the top of her lungs.

Gendo stuck a finger in the ear she had just yelled in, as

if poking at his grey matter would correct the damage to his

hearing. "All right, All right . . ." he muttered. "Launch

Unit 04 as well . . ."

"But Hikari hasn't had enough training, shouldn't we

send Rei instead?"

"Just do what I say."

"Yes Sir, Yes sir." She saluted him and scurried back to her

command post, informing Maya and the others on what to do.

"SORTIE!" she cried, using the french term they always use

just so they can pretend they're saying something more

special than "GO!"

Hovering over Tokyo-3, three angels sat in air, waiting

apparently.

"Bud." said one.

"Wei." said the next.

"Ser." said the other.

(old joke, apologies)

Out of the ground, four Evangelion units popped.

A little child was running along the street, staring

alternately at the Angels, the Evangelion units and her

Tamagotchi. "Those things in the air are froggies just like

you, Yuku!" she punched a button to feed her virtual pet.

"All right folks!" cried Asuka "Here's how it's going to

work. Shinji and I will attack the two outer angels,

Suzuhara, take out the middle one since you've got the gumby

arms. Hikari . . . be back up."

"All right." replied everyone seriously.

Kaworu's face appeared in Shinji's viewscreen. "Shinji-kun,

good luck!" he smiled.

Asuka's angry face appeared beside Kaworu's. "Would you

guys do your flirting on your OWN TIME? We're in the middle

of a battle here!" she screamed.

Kaworu shrugged and disappeared. Shinji rolled his eyes.

"Take a chill pill, Asuka."

"WHAT WAS THAT THIRD CHILD?"

* * *

Endo of chap. uan 

im tired and stuff.. I hate uo. die. die . die. Chap. 2 soon… so very soon. :D


	2. Mmmm Sacrilicious

**Chapter Two: Mmmm . . . . Sacrilicious.**

One of the angels, ummm (We'll call him "Bud" since I have

no religious education) Flew towards Unit 04 and started

dripping some sort of "gooo" on her.

"Oh yuck!" cried Hikari. Her green evangelion unit

instantly pulled out a handy Chinese umbrella. The goo

harmlessly covered the umbrella and slid off.

"Good thinking Hikari-chan!" cried Asuka. She then

turned her attention to Unit 03. "SUZUHARA! YOU WERE

SUPPOSED TO TAKE OUT THAT ANGEL."

"I'm on it." Unit O3 (the big beautiful black one with

long arms) suddenly grabbed the angel . . . from the other

side of the city. He hit it against the ground repeatedly.

"Stupid . . ." Thunk!

"Ugly . . ." Thunk!

"Annoying . . . " Thunk!

"Slime brain . . ." Thunk!

"Nobody . . ." Thunk!

"Drips gunk . . ." Thunk!

"On my friends . . ." Thunk!

"And gets away with it!" THUNK! THUNK! THUNK!

Bud waved a little white flag, but it was too late. Tohji

was MAD!

"Tohji, what are you doing . . ." cried Shinji. "That's so

sick. He's eating the angel!"

"Who are you to talk, third child?" retorted Asuka. "You're

the one who started this craze!"

"Ohhhh" sighed Hikari "He's so brave . . . and he did it for

me, too! Siiigh."

Somewhere in one of the shelters, a diabetic went into

insulin shock.

(This is pathetic! I can't even come up with my own jokes!)

"Ah, what the hell." Asuka grabbed the angel she had been

bashing against a building(his name was "Wei") and started

to munch. Shinji moaned and gave up, letting his Eva have a

snack too. (the snack would be "Ser")

"Hmmm." said Unit 02(Asuka's) "Tastes just like chicken."

"That's right, babe!" said Unit 01.(Shinji's) "Didn't I

promise to take you out to dinner sometime?"

"Yeah right." teased Unit 02 "Cheap take out food."

"Mmmmm" said Unit O3(Tohji's) "Sacrilicious."

"Hey!" protested Unit 04(Hikari's) "Don't I get any?" 04

pouted cutely.

"Oh sure, sweetie! Have some of mine!" said Unit 03,

passing her some of his, chivalrously.

"Thank-you!" she also began to munch.

In the control room, Misato Katsuragi was beating her head

on a panel repeatedly. "I don't believe this." she

muttered.

Kaworu looked up, sad. "Sorry Bud, Wei, Ser." he whispered.

Rei gave him a strange look.

Meanwhile, the little child was beating her small fists on

Unit 02's foot.

"Hey you big meanie!" she screamed. "Why are you eating

Yuku's family? Why'd you kill the cute froggies?"

Unit 02 sweatdropped (again, the sweatdrop was large enough

to fill an Olympic sized swimming pool)

"Froggies?" said Unit 03

"Maybe it's just me, but having a child here might not

be the safest thing." said 01.

02 nodded and drop kicked the child and her Tamagotchi all

the way to Chiba Prefecture-2 in the Tokyo-2.

"Better?"

"That wasn't exactly what I had in mind . . ." said 01,

sweatdropping profusely.

Inside the Eva's.

"I forgot about one thing . . ." moaned Tohji.

"Ditto." said Shinji.

"Me too." admitted Hikari.

"I didn't forget, there just was no other way to beat the

angels!" protested Asuka.

"Right." said Tohji.

"Would you just Shut - ahh Hentai!" Asuka screamed,

covering all of her important parts.

The pilots were floating around naked, as pilots tend to do

when they become one with their evangelion units.

Shinji looked tired. "Not again." he muttered.

"You looked! I know you did! Stupid Perverts!" Asuka

would have hit them with something, but she couldn't in her

present condition.

The scene changed. They were now all looking up at a

blueish thing with white.

"Something from our world . . ." muttered Shinji.

"It's a view from underwater." said Tohji.

"What are you, stupid?" cried Asuka. "It probably has

a more psychological meaning than that."

"Actually." came a voice, as if all the Evangelion units

involved were speaking as one. "It's a view from

underwater."

"Ha!" boasted Tohji.

"Why are you showing us this?" asked Shinji.

The voice (voices) chuckled. "To mess with your heads."

The scene changed again. The group was standing on a beach,

red waves crashing on the sand. They now had clothes,

thankfully.

"Reminds me of a Calvin Klein commercial." said Hikari.

They all turned around as they heard a soft voice behind

them.

"Red . . . the colour of blood . . . a woman who does not

bleed . . ."

"Uh, I didn't need to know that!" said Tohji.

"Hi Rei!" cried Hikari.

"Oh yeah, it does look like Ayanami, doesn't it?" said

Asuka, somewhat bored.

"That's not Ayanami." said Shinji quietly. "It's my

dummy plug."

Asuka started to laugh. "Every dummy needs his plug!" she

cackled.

"How do you know that?" queried Hikari.

Shinji pointed at the snug fanservice T-shirt Rei was

wearing. It said "EVA UNIT 01'S DUMMY PLUG."

"Oh . . . I see." Hikari muttered, embarrassed.

Rei(the dummy plug) looked at Tohji seductively and smiled.

"Hey Fourth Child. I saved your life . . . now's your

chance to pay me back."

"What?" said Asuka, Shinji and Hikari in synchronization.

Rei pouted cutely and then smiled. "You didn't think I

saved him out of the goodness of my heart, did you? I think

Tohji-kun's way cute. So, I've been biding my time, waiting

for an opportunity like this to come up. Come on over here,

hunkmeister!"

Asuka looked like she was going to be sick. "And what's the

psychological meaning of THIS, I'd like to know?"

The Eva units laughed nervously. "We have no control

over the dummy plugs . . . they were Gendou's idea."

"Great." muttered Tohji.

"But we will send you to a place where the Dummy plugs

can't get at you . . . if we keep moving you through all

this angst ridden stuff fast enough, she shouldn't be able

to keep up with you."

The pilots found themselves in front of a big screen TV.

A white line was going across it, and strange music was

playing.

"Hey, don't we get any popcorn?" said Asuka.

"Watch, and know who you are . . ."

The group stared at the screen some more. Japanese

characters occasionally appeared in succession with the

white line. "I guess they have a cheap budget." said

Hikari.

"No Kidding." said Asuka, yawning.

"Hey look! People."

And indeed, there were people. Quickly flashing images.

"Kensuke, Ritsuko, Misato, Kaji, Ibuki, Fuyutsuki, Aoba,

Father . . ." mumbled Shinji.

Suddenly, Pong Kombat 2 took over the screen.

"All right!" cried Tohji "This is better!"

"I wanna play too!" cried Hikari.

"Me too!" said Shinji. Everyone sat around playing Pong,

deciding against analysing the psychological profoundness of

playing pong in your psyche. Instead they were all happily

enjoying their video game.

"Wait just a darn minute there! Evangelion characters

aren't allowed to be happy, especially when they're in a

philosophical setting! Give us angst, give us conflict!"

"Ah . . . zut alors . . ." grumbled the author.


End file.
